Premier League 101

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(Awful Announcing)

Our resident TFP Hockey Expert Frank Dapolito explains what he’s learned from the repeated NBC Sports Network Premier League advertising.

I’m not going to lie to you readers, I never was much of a soccer man. Played it for two seasons as a kid, scored one goal, and walked off in a blaze of glory after that. So when NBC announced they were going to be broadcasting the Barclays Premier League, I figured that if I’m going to ever get around to watching it, I would brush up on how this little game works. Lucky for me, NBC Sports decided to tweet this little quip to appeal to the unwashed masses like myself.

The Perfect Response To NBC's "Premier League 101"

(Gawker)

Lets start with #1: Teams that win their match are awarded three points.

Okay, so I can draw some similarities from hockey to this one. Pretty self explanatory here; you do well, you get points. The ultimate goal of any team in a system like this. Get the points, and you have a shot at whatever the trophy for this league might be called.

# 2: Teams that tie are both awarded one point.

Ah, so you guys have the whole “charity point” problem like we do in hockey, too, huh? That’s alright. I can go along with that since I’m pretty much used to it by now.

But here’s where things start to get really watered down.

#3: No points are given for a loss.

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(NBC, Ironic right?)

WHAT A FREAKIN’ CONCEPT! I never would have assumed that in a grown man’s league that there are no “everyone’s a winner” points just so the losers don’t have their feelings hurt. Thanks NBC!

#4: Team with most points at end of season wins the Premier League.

Apart from this being worded like a text message sent by a caveman, this is another thing I could have figured out for myself. I don’t need you to hold my hand through this, NBC. Maybe instead of releasing these gems, you could have released a picture explaining the rules of offsides for the people like me who are footy newbies that are going to be very confused when play keeps getting called dead right when the exciting bit is about to happen!

(Editor’s note: Sorry Frank, nobody exactly knows what offside is. We think it’s as cut and dry as this, but then refs go and inexplicably ignore it sometimes. )

And finally…

#5: There are no playoffs, or finals.

Really? REALLY?! No bracket? No seeding? No chance of an underdog team with the last seed to come up and beat the odds? And how can you not have a finals game? That’s where the legends are born and miracles happen. You’re telling me that once every team plays their games, the leading team could have won it already and have to play an unimportant game just because? Where’s the gauntlet? The struggle?

EVEN COLLEGE FOOTBALL KNOWS THAT’S A BAD IDEA.

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C’mon, man. (The Wire)

Maybe I’m a spoiled American used to egregious celebrations at season’s end, like the Super Bowl. Or maybe I’m just not used to tradition. But at least I will know how things tick in the Premier League if I stumble across it on TV.

-Frank Dapolito

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